In life we have the ability to choose who we let into our inner circle and build close relationships with. But what about those “close relationships” that we don’t choose, may not even want, but nevertheless have to have? I am not talking about family members, friends, romantic partners, mentors—no. I am strictly speaking about personalities whom it would seem God has placed in our life to make us miserable—or teach us a lesson (…and perhaps these are one and the same). These are people who are colleagues or partners in an organization of interest that we have no choice but to work with.
So with this I ask–Have you ever come in contact with a personality that was so abrasive and discouraging in every respect? Someone who you felt that whenever you were in their presence, part of your spirit broke a little more each time? Well I have, and I am pretty confident that at some point in your life, each of you has as well. Whether we like or not, or can avoid it or not, these types of people are in our lives. I call these individuals the “heart breakers.” They break your heart again and again and you are always left feeling, why? Why must I always be placed in this situation?
You may think that if someone in your life makes you feel so badly, then why not just choose to stop associating with them. It would seem like a simple solution, but the world is not simple. And isn’t total avoidance just the cowardly move of running away? After all, Krishna did not allow Arjuna to flee from his enemies, why should we flee from ours.
Oh Partha, do not yield to unmanliness, it does not fit you. Oh Scorcher of Foes, abandoning the petty weakness of heart, arise” (Bhagavad Gita 2.3).
It’s important to be clear that the “heartbreakers” I speak of are not negative in and of themselves. They are simply a special breed of human being that God has fashioned to teach us lessons and break the negative ego. Without them, no amount of progress in life could be made, and without them life would be challenge-less. You might be thinking, “How wonderful would life be if there were no challenges..!” Wrong. Life would not be wonderful; in fact it would be quite boring. It is adversity in life that makes us appreciate prosperity.
Though “heartbreakers” are in our life for a reason and a season, it is definitely not always easy to deal with them. It’s interesting that until you learn whatever your lesson is, the universe will continue to send “heartbreakers” in many names and forms. With this I am now going to share with you tools I used to disenthrone my “heartbreaker.”
In my situation, my “heartbreaker” was a colleague, someone whom I couldn’t run away from but had to deal with head-on. The abuse suffered was verbal and emotional. I’d like to make it clear to all readers out there that in no way should anyone ever stay in a relationship or keep abusive persons in your life. We must have discrimination to understand when to release people and when to confront them. In my case I needed to learn 1) confrontation, 2) that no one had the power to thwart my progress and 3) no matter how many insults were directed at me, they did not define me…I defined me.
For a long time, before I learned this lesson, I gave all my power, all my growth and all my potential to an individual who never supported my personal growth. Someone who I thought always had my best interest and would never intentionally try to thwart my progress. I freely gave it, and for that I suffered greatly. When I was repeatedly insulted and spoken to in a negative way, I thought that not standing up for myself was part of spirituality and that somehow my ego was being sublimated. But the reality was I developed an under-confident negative ego where I transformed into a spineless jellyfish. In the name of spirituality I became weak instead of strong. In the name of sattwa, I had become tamasic. And like Arjuna on the battlefield of Kurukshetra, I had all my arguments as to why I was right in not standing up for myself. I had all the right teachings, yet I wasn’t able to properly apply spirituality.
“The purpose of spirituality is to make you strong, do not bleat like a lamb, rather roar like lion.” –Swami Jyotirmayananda
So I began roaring…softly at first of course. I didn’t raise my voice and I wasn’t disrespectful with my actions. I stood up for myself with gentle words steeped in understanding yet sharp like arrows. My intention was not to hurt, but to convey non-violence. Gandhi said “Be the change you want to see in the world,” and if I were really to practice ahimsa (non-violence) I had to confront violence with peace and hate with love. This is what is meant when Sri Krishna in the Bhagavad Gita teaches us about using the pair of opposites to transcend them. So I did this, and each time, instead of my heart breaking, it became a little stronger each time. I did this until I realized that my broken heart had mended itself through love and forgiveness. And it was not loving and forgiving the one who inflicted abuse against me…rather it was me forgiving myself.
Yes. I had allowed this situation to escalate, I had given my power, I had made myself feel badly, not anyone else. The hardest thing to come to terms was that I hurt myself over and over again because I didn’t stand up for myself.
Soon I began to realize that anything said to me out of ridicule or insult had absolutely nothing to do with me. This is an important point I’d like to stress–The way others relate to you whether it is positive or negative, has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Each of us bring our own insecurities and fears to the circumstances and people we are involved with. So by not identifying with the stories of others we detach our emotions and ability to be injured. Here lies the function of culturing an objective mind–a mind that does not become affected by our judgments and those of others.
Power is always our own and if we give away our personal power, we give away our person. So if we must become angry, then let us get angry with ourselves, and then let us forgive and empower ourselves.
Formula
- Assess your situation.
- Offer yourself forgiveness and understanding.
- Mentally thank those involved for being a divine instrument in your process of growth.
- Remember that it is not about you and do not get involved in the story.
- Practice meditation with the intention of developing a strong will and confidence.
So what happened to this person in my life? They are still there hurling thunderbolts, but the difference is now I do not identify with them. I am stronger because the Divine Mother gave me her weapons and the knowledge to use them. She surrounded me in her force field of light and taught me that strength is not overcoming your enemies in an outward battle, but in conquering your own demons within.